"What happened?"

It feels like I have alot to say but I'm not sure what to share with anyone these days.

Let me start by saying I have a VERY social job. When I am on the sales floor my job literally is to make friends with total strangers as fast as possible then help them select the right furniture for their homes. The more they can relate to me the faster they trust my help and see that I sincearly do want to help them choose the perfect furniture. And honestly the ones I have the most in common with spend the most money at our store. They invite us to come over to their homes and let us into their private spaces. They tell me their personal lives, how they live in their rooms, medical history, marriage or family issues etc. Because it all affects what they are going to buy. I love my job and have been good at it, mostly because I care about our customers and it shows.

Sharing my life with strangers helps them to open up about themselves. So here is my dilema. When some random stranger asks what my husband does, do I answer as I have for years that he is a chef? I would say it with such pride knowing the reaction I would get. The oohs and ahhs and questions about what kind of food he makes and if I have to cook. People love talking about food. It's the easy answer, but it isn't my answer anymore.

The new answer is infinatly harder. I'm a single mom. It's only 4 words but it's one of the hardest 4 word sentances I have ever said. Here's why: I get the "Oh I'm sorry!" or worse, the "What happened?"

I talk about my kids a lot at work. Most people can relate and if they have kids I can help them pick a good fabric, get the furniture spray coated or find something with storage. So the kids part comes out first. If I accidentally yawn, I blame the 7 month old that refused to sleep at night. People laugh, moms can commiserate... I always talk about the boys.

Sometimes I talk about moving here too. People love to tell me their favorite places to go and I have gotten alot of great advice. Some people don't like all the California transplants but most people like me, so again it works well.

So, I see it coming now. We talked about kids, moving here, maybe my job as the store manager. And... "What does your husband do?" Ouch. "I'm a single mom." ... wait for it... "What happened?"

Where in the world would I start? What is an easy answer? Why do you care????

I shrug... "It just didn't work out." I'm lucky if I get off that easy. Some people pry.

There are really only a few people in the world that I could say anything to. I have three aunts that I can call, email, text message and say anything to. I am so grateful for them and I'm not sure they know how much I really do need them to just simply be there when I call. They are my mother's sisters and without them I would sometimes be so lost. My mom died very suddenly when I was 17. She was only 44. My aunts were there with me every minute and really they never left my side since then.

Sometimes my mom comes up in conversations too but after 18 years I can usually steer the conversation away from her death. I don't talk about her much with the customers. She eventually comes up when I make new real friends. The new group I work with up here, new friends at church; eventually they all ask "How did she die?" or "What happened?" It's human nature and morbid curiosity.

The first year after she died I couldn't tell the truth. I told people she died of heart failure. It was sort of true but not really. I got the "was she sick for long?" again hard to answer. I found that if I said yes, people felt better. Like it wasn't so shocking if your mom was sick and you knew she was dying. Eventually I got the courage to tell the truth and it helped to talk about it. It helped to meet others that had similar things happen.

My mom committed suicide. Again 4 words... and they were so hard to say. They still are. But if you ask me now "What happened?" I will tell the truth.

So here is my attitude that I am trying to adopt and I think it will help me with the new 4 words that have been bugging me.

I am a single mom AND I am proud of it!

No, that doesn't mean I am happy to be getting divorced. No, that doesn't mean I hate my... oh gosh ths is hard too... soon-to-be-ex-husband. Sigh... No, that doesn't mean I will tell you "What happened".

It means that I work 5 days a week to pay all of my bills and get 2 precious days to spend with my boys. I provide love, shelter, food, comfort, clothes and so much more for myself plus two amazing little boys. I get very little sleep. I keep my house clean (excuse the pile of clean clothes on the bed). I am teaching them every day how to be honest, respectuful, faithful and most of all happy people. I am learning how to cook. It means I have fun with my kids. I love playing on the ground with them, driving in the car singing silly songs or pretending for the millionth time that I am Gwen from Ben 10 or Mia from Ninjago and the bad guys are about to get our car "LOOK OUT!"

I am a single mom AND I am proud of it! This is the biggest challenge of my life and I will succeed. I can not fail. I will be strong and I will try not to cry in front of them. I will be fair and I will not say anything bad about their father to them. I will tell them of how much we really loved each other and how much we love them still. I will show them our family photos and tell them our story of how we met and how we always wanted two perfect little boys.

And someday they will ask "What happened."... and I will say " It just didn't work out, but I am so glad for the seven years that gave me the two of you."

I'm going to practice being proud of my accomplishments tomorrow and keep trying every day.When I get asked about my husband I might just say "I'm a single mom and it's good." or "I'm actually a single mom, but their dad is a chef.", "I'm a single mom, but it's o.k." We'll see what comes out. And maybe on a hard day I'll take the easy route and just say he's a chef and talk about food... but if I get the "What happened?" I know I'll just stick to "It just didn't work out."